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Haven't seen any bad jokes for a while so...
Old 01-11-2007   #1
rbiemer
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Talking Haven't seen any bad jokes for a while so...

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?



They were sitting on the deck.


Rob
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Old 01-11-2007   #2
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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
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Old 01-11-2007   #3
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Three parrots in a cage ... one on the top rung ... one on the middle and one on the bottom. Which parrot owns the cage..?









The bottom one .... the other two are on higher perches!
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Old 01-11-2007   #4
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Anybody hear about the blind carpenter?

He picked up a hammer and saw.

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Old 01-11-2007   #5
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Old 01-11-2007   #6
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Oh man, my 6 year old daughter tells the same joke every day at dinner for two months in a row now. I need an extra dose of groaners like I need a hole in the head!
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Old 01-11-2007   #7
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Old 01-11-2007   #8
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What do you call a skinhead with a centre parting?


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Old 01-11-2007   #9
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Did you hear about the terrorist who tried to blow up the Q E 2???



He couldn't get his mouth over the funnel!
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Old 01-11-2007   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Robertson
Did you hear about the terrorist who tried to blow up the Q E 2???



He couldn't get his mouth over the funnel!
This one is good...
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Old 01-12-2007   #11
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Here's a surreal one:
There's two elephants sitting in a tree playing cards. An egg walks past. One of the elephants asks the egg: "want to join us in playing cards". The egg responds: "I can't - I'm going to get my hair cut".

[email protected]@[email protected] (tumbleweed, ominous silence)

Don't worry, nobody else seems to get it either. I like it. And I'll go and take my pills now .

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Old 01-12-2007   #12
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A blonde, Brunette and redhead are about to give birth.

The brunette says "I'm sure it'a s boy. My hubby was on top of me during the ccnception".
The REdhead says "I'm sure it's a girl. My Hubby was lying under me during the conception".
And then the Blonde says "My God, I'm going to give birth to a dog!"
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Old 01-12-2007   #13
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Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other….do you know how to drive this thing?
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Old 01-12-2007   #14
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The nuns & the vampire:

Two nuns are driving along in a car when a vampire lands on their bonnet. The first nun shouts to the second nun, "Quick, show it your cross!". So the second nun leans out the window and shouts, "Get off my freakin car!".
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Old 01-12-2007   #15
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, what's with the long face."
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Old 01-12-2007   #16
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This man goes to the same bar every week and orders 3 pints at the same time and then drinks them. Finally the bartender says, why don't you just order them one at a time so they don't get warm before you drink them? The man replies that he and his 2 buddies have a tradition that when any one of them goes out without the others, that they buy 3 pints as if they were all there. The next week, this man goes back to this bar, but only orders 2 pints and drinks them. The bartender says, Oh, I'm very sorry. Did one of your friends pass away? No replied the man, I just gave up drinking.
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Old 01-12-2007   #17
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An arithmetic teacher was stopped while boarding a plane, seems he had a protractor and compass set with him.
He was immediately charged with possession of 'weapons of math instruction'.
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Old 01-12-2007   #18
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A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables. The bartender looks at him and says, "Look pal, I don't want your starting anything in here."
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Old 01-12-2007   #19
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The seven dwarfs are telling jokes, one after the other. At every joke, they clap and say "Vely good!"
Time for the small one at the end. He stands up, says "Sex." and looks around waiting.
"But blothel, this is not a joke!"
"Tlue, but it is vely good!"
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Old 01-12-2007   #20
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How do the lesbian vampires say goodbye?
"See you nexth month."

sorry
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Old 01-12-2007   #21
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A termite walks into a pub and says: "Is the bartender here?"
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Old 01-12-2007   #22
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The sheriff walks into the local saloon and tells the assembled drinkers that he's looking for the 'paper cowboy' ... "you'll have no trouble spotting him, he wears paper chaps and his vest and hat are also made of paper"

"what's he wanted for sheriff?" they ask ...


"rustlin'"
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Old 01-12-2007   #23
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The inflatable schoolboy was called before the inflatable headmaster of the inflatable school.

"Look boy", said the headmaster. "You've not only let me down, but you've let down the whole school!"
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Old 01-12-2007   #24
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I thought these were supposed to be BAD jokes, these are funny as hell.....
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Old 01-12-2007   #25
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These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
The string says "Yeah."
The bartender says, "aren't you a string?"
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
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Old 01-12-2007   #26
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Heard about....

....this noble gentleman from the upper class of Britain meeting a cockney from London's Eas End, - in the WWI trenches:

The gentleman: 'I came here to die..'

The cockney: 'Oh, I came here yesterday...!'
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Old 01-12-2007   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadsm3
I thought these were supposed to be BAD jokes, these are funny as hell.....
You may have a problem there………

Two sisters having there photo taken, first sister says he has to focus first..
Second sister says what….both of us?
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Old 01-12-2007   #28
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Did you hear about the one-armed butler?

He could take it, but he couldn't dish it out.
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Old 01-12-2007   #29
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A bit of a long one, one of the many bad jokes my step-dad likes to tell:


Jesus, a priest, and an old man are playing golf together. The priest tees off first, and makes a very respectable shot down the fairway.

Jesus tees off next, drives the ball straight as an arrow right onto the green, only six feet from the cup.

The old man tees off last. His ball shanks hard to the right and lands in a water trap. As the ball is sinking, a large fish swallows his ball, and leaps out of the water. A passing eagle swoops down, nabs the fish, and starts flying away. As the eagle climbs, he loses his grip, and drops the fish onto the course. The old man's ball pops from the mouth of the fish, and rolls into the cup. A hole-in-one...

The priest is flabbergasted, and can't say a word. Jesus just rolls his eyes, turns to the old man, and says, "Dad, stop cheating."


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Old 01-12-2007   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pvdhaar
Oh man, my 6 year old daughter tells the same joke every day at dinner for two months in a row now. I need an extra dose of groaners like I need a hole in the head!
So, tell us the joke please!
Rob
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Old 01-12-2007   #31
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Why do mice have small balls?













Because they don't dance very well! (Just what were you thinking?)
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Old 01-12-2007   #32
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Numbers here!

Why is Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate Nine!

What did Seven say to Eight?

"Nice belt!"
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Old 01-12-2007   #33
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A threesome is waiting to tee-off. The course marshal comes along and asks them if it's alright that a 4th join them. They say sure, and it turns out to be a georgeous drop dead shapely woman in a low cut tight sweater and mini skirt. She explains that she's not very good at golf so the guys eagerly give her lots of tips on golfing. With their help and blind luck, the woman's ball is just a foot from the hole, with a putt to make birdie. I've never made a birdie before says the woman. Whoever gives me the right advice to sink this shot will be "amply rewarded". Guy #1 checks out the shot and tells her to aim just to the right. Guy #2 checks out the lie and tells her to aim just to the left. Guy #3 walks up, picks up the ball and drops it in the hole. That's a gimme, he says.
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Old 01-12-2007   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pherdinand
How do the lesbian vampires say goodbye?
"See you nexth month."

sorry
naughty naughty naughty
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Old 01-12-2007   #35
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Why did the girl fall off of the swing?
She didn't have any arms!

Why couldn't the girl get back up?
She didn't have any legs!



hehe
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Old 01-12-2007   #36
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saw this one on the sopranos the other night...

A woman is sat in the kitchen when in walks her husband with a goat under his arm.

"I've something to confess....I've been sleeping with this pig." He says

His wife stares in disbelief...."It's not a pig, it's a goat," is all she can say.



The husband shouts at her,"Shut up! I wasn't talking to you!"

Last edited by freeranger : 01-12-2007 at 07:08.
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Old 01-12-2007   #37
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A turtle was trudging along with a snail sitting on top of the turtle's shell. What did the snail shout?


An exhilarating "Wheeeeeee, wheeeeee!"
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Old 01-12-2007   #38
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A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender sets it up, and the guy slugs it, and then looks into his breast pocket. He quickly orders another shot, slugs it, then peeks back into his pocket. He orders another shot. The bartender, who has been watching, sets up another shot, which the guy downs quickly. Sure enough, he looks into his breast pocket again, then orders another shot. As the bartender pours it, he asks the man "Why do you keep looking into your pocket after every shot?" The man slugs the next shot and replies "I have picture of my wife in there. When she looks good, I'm going home."
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Old 01-12-2007   #39
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BJ Bignell
A bit of a long one, one of the many bad jokes my step-dad likes to tell:


Jesus, a priest, and an old man are playing golf together. The priest tees off first, and makes a very respectable shot down the fairway.

Jesus tees off next, drives the ball straight as an arrow right onto the green, only six feet from the cup.

The old man tees off last. His ball shanks hard to the right and lands in a water trap. As the ball is sinking, a large fish swallows his ball, and leaps out of the water. A passing eagle swoops down, nabs the fish, and starts flying away. As the eagle climbs, he loses his grip, and drops the fish onto the course. The old man's ball pops from the mouth of the fish, and rolls into the cup. A hole-in-one...

The priest is flabbergasted, and can't say a word. Jesus just rolls his eyes, turns to the old man, and says, "Dad, stop cheating."


And on that note...

Jesus and Moses are out golfing together. The third hole is a dogleg around a body of water. The usual approach is to take the first shot to the corner of the dogleg and then the second to get onto the green. But as Jesus steps up to his ball to tee off, he aims directly over the water towards the green.

"What are you doing?" asks Moses.

"Don't worry," says Jesus. "I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot. I know I can do it."

"Ok," says Moses. "But you know that it's going to cost you a shot if you land the ball in the water."

"Leave me alone," says Jesus.

He winds up and hits the ball hard. It flies high in the air and lands smack in the middle of the water.

"Don't say I didn't warn you," says Moses.

Jesus is quite upset. So Moses walks down the hill, parts the water, and walks out to collect Jesus' ball. As he walks back, the water closes behind him. He comes back up the hill, drying the ball off on his sleeve, and hands it back to Jesus.

"That's going to cost you a shot," says Moses.

"Yea, yea," says Jesus.

He puts the ball back on the tee and lines up his shot once more.

"You're not going to try that again, are you?" asks Moses.

"Look," says Jesus. "I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot. I know I can do it. So just leave me alone."

"Ok," says Moses. "But if you land it in the water again, it's going to cost you another shot."

Jesus says nothing. He winds up and hits the ball even harder this time. It flies straight and true but lands three feet short of the far shore.

"That's going to cost you another shot," says Moses. "And you're going to have to get your own ball this time."

So Jesus heads down the hill, grumbling all the way. He walks out across the water to where his ball went in, rolls up his sleeve, reaches down into the water and collects the ball.

Meanwhile, the next foursome has caught up and they are talking to Moses on top of the hill. One of them looks down and sees Jesus walking back across the water with his ball.

"Hey," shouts the man. "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"No," says Moses. "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
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Old 01-12-2007   #40
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Did you hear about the gay cowboy???




He rode into town and shot up the Sheriff!
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