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Old 01-12-2007   #41
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In a country pub in northern Australia an entertainer is demonstrating to the outback audience ... the obedience and docility of a large croc he has with him.

He picks up a large stick and and belts the croc repeatedly across it's snout and gets absolutely no reaction ... to the amazement of the crowd he follows this up by unzipping his fly and placing his penis in the croc's mouth and belting it several more times ... still with no reaction ... the crowd are stunned!

Holding the stick high he says "Any of you are welcome to come up here and have a go!"

After a minutes silence an old woman up the back gets to her feet and says ... "I'll have a go ... just don't go hitting me with that darned stick!"
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Old 01-12-2007   #42
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Finally! A photo thread in which I can contribute:

Secret of a long life:

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are
you again?"

"I am 78," said the man.

"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy?
You look like a 60-year-old."

"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married
that whenever she got mad she would go into the
kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk
to settle down." the man explained.

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
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Old 01-12-2007   #43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick R.
A termite walks into a pub and says: "Is the bartender here?"
I don't get it
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Old 01-12-2007   #44
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Jano, it threw me at first, too. But it makes sense once you've done the gestalt shift to realizing that the termite is inquiring whether the "bar" is "tender," rather than merely inquiring about the presence of the bartender. Get it?

-Randy
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Old 01-12-2007   #45
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On the golf joke thread:

There was a golfer who hated one par 3 on the course. Everytime he hit a tee shot the ball would go in the water. He got used to pulling out a crappy ball everytime he played the hole since he would always lose the ball.
One day he came to the hole and he heard a voice from above say,"Today's your dayyyyy"
He felt worried and excited at the same time.
He took out an old crappy ball but then the voice said,"Take out a new balllll"
He grew even more excited and he teed up a new ball.
Then voice then said,"Take a practice swingggggg."
He could barely contain himself now, and took practice swing.
As he set up to the ball, he heard the voice from above again and it said,
"Take out the old ballllll"
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Old 01-12-2007   #46
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A bloke walks into a bar
*thud*
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Old 01-12-2007   #47
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vrgard
(snip)realizing that the termite is inquiring whether the "bar" is "tender," (snip) Get it?
Does anyone have a shotgun smiley?
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Old 01-12-2007   #48
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A dog limps into a bar and says,"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says,"I'll have a beer and a mop"


Thanks to all y'all for these jokes! The ones I've not heard before will be inflicted--sorry, shared with my friends and co-workers!
How about some more, please!
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Old 01-12-2007   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 350D_user
A bloke walks into a bar
*thud*
There were lots of groaners, including the termite and the "tender" bar joke, but this one takes the cake. And throws it back on the floor.

It can only work either on the screen, or in my insane, echoing mind.

It's both funny and bad. It's a good bad joke. Like a new classic. Or a new old favorite. Ok, I'm going to bed.
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Old 01-12-2007   #50
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Just for gits and shiggles, I'll add mine:

- Did I tell you about the rope joke?
- Skip it.
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Old 01-12-2007   #51
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Two blondes were walking in the woods and they came to a set of tracks. The first one said, "These are deer tracks!". The second one said "No, these are definitely moose tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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Old 01-12-2007   #52
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How do you stop a bank robbery?

Throw in a basketball.
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Old 01-12-2007   #53
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Why couldn't the railroad loco sit down??????


It had a tender behind!!
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Old 01-12-2007   #54
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Why do women take so long to pee in the morning?






Ever open up a colded, toasted cheese sandwich?
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Old 01-13-2007   #55
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What's brown and sticky?


A stick.
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Old 01-13-2007   #56
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?













"A carrot"
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Old 01-13-2007   #57
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Been drinking again Bishop?

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Old 01-13-2007   #58
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You're my besht mate, you *hic* are Shparrow.
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Old 02-08-2007   #59
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Q: What lens did the Russian Revolutionary use to take photos of his heroes?
A: A wide Engel, of Course.


Goodnight, everyone! I'll be here all week.


Rob
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Old 02-09-2007   #60
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Russian Revolutionary goes into a bar..and the bartender says;

the usual Mr Molotov!
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Old 02-09-2007   #61
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Q: Whadaya call 1000 lesbians with rifles?






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Old 02-10-2007   #62
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how do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?







wave to him
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Old 02-10-2007   #63
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Did you hear about the painter who tripped over a bucket and fell off the scafold? His partner rushed to the ground, terrified that his friend had kicked the bucket but was amazed to find that he was fine and had only turned a little pale.
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Old 02-11-2007   #64
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a bit off topic, but indeed, a properly frozen apple (e.g. by dipping it into liquid nitrogen) dropped on the floor behaves extremely interesting, if it breaks breaks like glass, or porcelain.
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Old 02-11-2007   #65
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When you want a bad joke, do like I do. Look in the mirror.
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Old 02-11-2007   #66
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Two blondes in Northern Ontario, looking at beautiful full moon, looming large on a clear night...

Blonde 1: "I wonder how far away the moon is ... it's so close!"
Blonde 2: "I wonder what's closer ... the moon, or Florida?"
Blonde 1: "Hellllloooo ... can you see Florida?"
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Old 02-11-2007   #67
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OK, this one takes a bit longer to tell. It's one of the best and at the same time worst jokes I know, I guess this says something about me, but anyway:

Somewhere in India, in the north in one of the mountainous states such as Sikkim or Kashmir there lives a bus conductor. He has a reputation for being a bit evil and constantly bullies passengers. One day as he drives over a mountain road and his bus is already quite full, he stops and kicks a shepherd and his goat off the bus, and as fate would have it, he falls 1000 feet down the mountain and is dead. Of course, the bus conductor is dragged to court and sentenced to death by electrocution, and as they tie him to the electric chair, they ask him if he has any last wishes.

"Yes", he says. "I am from Kerala, and when I was a little kid my mother always used to give me a Kerala banana, and I would take the peelings and first throw a peeling over my left sholder, and then over my right shoulder. So please give me a Kerala banana, as this is my dying wish."

So they go and give him a Kerala banana, and he eats it and throws a peeling over his left sholder, and then another over right shoulder, and then says "OK, we can go on now". And they switch on the electricity, but nothing happens. They switch it off and on again, and off and on again, but nothing happens again. So they say "Well, in India it is the law that if you're not dead after three tries, you're free to go", and so he is released. And since we are in India where everything is possible, he gets back to his old job as a bus conductor.

However, his life hasn't changed in the least. He still is a mean and evil bully, and one day, as he drives over a mountain road and his bus is already rather full, he stops and kicks an old lady off the bus. It's a steep drop, and she falls 2000 feet down the mountain and is dead. Again, they drag him to court and sentence him to death by electrocuting, and as he is tied to the electric chair, they ask him if he has any last wishes again.

"Yes", he says. "I am from Kerala, and when I was a little kid my mother always used to give me a Kerala banana, and I would take the peelings and first throw a peeling over my left sholder, and then over my right shoulder. So please give me a Kerala banana, as this is my dying wish."

So once again they go and give him a Kerala banana, and he eats it and throws a peeling over his left sholder, and then another over right shoulder, and then says "OK, we can go on now". And they switch on the electricity, but nothing happens. They switch it off and on again, and off and on again, but nothing happens again. So they say "Well, you know the Indian law now, three times and you're not dead yet, so you're free to go", and so he is released. And since we are in India where everything is possible, he once again gets back to his old job as a bus conductor.

Still, his character hasn't improved in the least. One day, as he drives over a mountain road and his bus is already very full, he stops and kicks a pregnant woman off the bus. It's a bus stop at a bend with a sharp cliff, and she falls 3000 feet and is dead immediately. As usual he is dragged to court and sentenced to death by electrocution, and as he is tied to the electric chair, they ask him if he has any last wishes.

"Yes", he says. "I am from Kerala..."
"Well, well", they say, "we know the procedure now." And they go and get him a Kerala banana, and he eats it and throws a peeling over his left sholder, and then another over right shoulder, and then says "OK, we can go on now". So they switch on the electricity, but nothing happens. They switch it off and on again, and off and on again, but nothing happens at all. So they say "Well, as you know, you're free to go now, but under one condition. Please, tell us what it is with you. You've sat here three times and survived. Why doesn't the electicity kill you?" And he says, "Maybe it is being because I am a bad conductor?"

(Thanks, thanks, I'll be here all week.)

Philipp
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Old 02-11-2007   #68
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Philipp, that one was so bad I laughed myself silly!
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Old 05-22-2007   #69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ErikFive
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
Personally, what I want is the special Hollywood edition of Adobe Creative Suite. You know the one - it has the special "enhance" tool ("blow that up, now enhance it") that can convert two stray pixels from some CCTV footage into stills of stunning clarity (printable to at least letter size) with one simple click of a mouse.

Some of my photographs need that.

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Old 05-22-2007   #70
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what is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?











a bad golfer goes Whack, then "Damn." a bad skydiver goes "Damn!" then Whack
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Making a Baby
Old 05-22-2007   #71
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Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now the man should
be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened
to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said,
"I've come to. . .''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting
you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -- when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling -- I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...
equipment? "

"It's true, Ma'am, yes . . . Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted.
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Old 05-22-2007   #72
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Two P & S photographers leave a bar where they were having a drink when a bird flies overhead and drops a load on the head of one of them. His friend says, let me go back to the bar and get some toilet paper. Don't bother says his friend, by the time you get back that bird will be miles away.
(This joke has been officially politically corrected).
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Old 05-22-2007   #73
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A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a few thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"Ok," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink that entire litre of pepper vodka, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a litre of pepper vodka, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat vodka?"

He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
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Old 05-22-2007   #74
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mfunnell
Personally, what I want is the special Hollywood edition of Adobe Creative Suite. You know the one - it has the special "enhance" tool ("blow that up, now enhance it") that can convert two stray pixels from some CCTV footage into stills of stunning clarity (printable to at least letter size) with one simple click of a mouse.

Some of my photographs need that.

...Mike
I think they have that program on the TV show "24"! They seem to be able to "enhance" an image from satellite to show whether or not the bad guy shaved that morning.
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Old 05-22-2007   #75
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mfunnell
Personally, what I want is the special Hollywood edition of Adobe Creative Suite. You know the one - it has the special "enhance" tool ("blow that up, now enhance it") that can convert two stray pixels from some CCTV footage into stills of stunning clarity (printable to at least letter size) with one simple click of a mouse.

Some of my photographs need that.

...Mike
Say...didn't Harrison Ford have one of those in Blade Runner?


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Old 05-29-2007   #76
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A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."
Rob
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Old 05-31-2007   #77
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For those who can read chinese:

太阳错打了电话给草
草:喂,我草,你谁啊?
太阳:我日.
草:日,你谁啊?我草啊!
太阳:日,我日啊,你谁啊?
草:日你妈日,我草!你TMD到底谁?
太阳:草你妈草,我日啊。
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Old 05-31-2007   #78
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Some good stuff here. Frayley wins with the Making a Baby joke - had me and my SO in tears. Here's one -

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.
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Old 05-31-2007   #79
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Some guys were at a bar drinking and the topic of how often they had relations with their wives came up. The first fellow said unhappily, "once a month." A slightly happier fellow said, "once a week." A very happy fellow said, "once a day." The happiest one of them all could barely contain his excitement and said, "once a year." The others all looked at him and asked how he could be so happy about that. He answered, "today is the day!"
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Old 05-31-2007   #80
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Okay, then. Apologies in advance:

A doctor, a priest, and an engineer are all out playing a round of golf, having a great day of it. While heading to their next tee, they're stopped by another group ahead of them. These other fellows appear to be terrible golfers, practically bumping into each other as they swing wildly. This slows the game down considerably. Somewhat frustrated, the doctor stops a passing greenskeeper.

"What's with those fellows out there?" the doctor asks.

The greenskeeper takes a look, and answers, "Oh, those are a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire last year, and so of course we let them play whenever they like."

Chastened, the doctor rubs his chin. "Wow, that's something. Hey, maybe I can talk to a few of my colleagues about some medical treatment options for them."

The priest agrees. "Amazing story. I'll have my congregation say a prayer for them."

The engineer frowns, and says, "So...why can't these guys play at night?"


Cheers,
--joe.
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